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Formula One: The only way to travel

14 October 1999

Posted By Terry Callahan
Motorsports Editor, The Auto Channel

A quick survey of Formula 1 journalists reveals an uncanny similarity when the press are asked what they would do if they won a lot of money. At the top of almost everyone's wish-list is a desire to buy up all the spaces in the First Class section of flights going to the long-haul grands prix like Australia and Japan and then deciding which of the F1 drivers and team owners would be allowed to have a seat.

As we head for the 1999 grand finale in Malaysia and Japan, the subject on most people's lips is not who will be champion, but "how are you getting to Japan? What class are you flying in? and Did you get a free upgrade?" Grand Prix people are obsessed with travel, possibly because we all spend so much time in the clouds - for many, that phrase applies to their state of mind when on the ground. The fact most teams are English probably explains why F1 still has an obsession with the class system, that has pretty much died out in other walks of life, but is still a part of air travel. The basic rules of F1 air travel outside Europe are simple: team owners, drivers and the odd technical director sit in the pointy bit in the front; senior engineers, marketing directors and other middle management sit in Business Class and the rest; mechanics, press officers and freelance journalists all huddle together in the back in Cattle Class.

People in First Class get on the plane by magic. Nobody ever sees these passengers get on or off the plane. The Business Class travellers like to make sure everyone in Economy has seen they have better seats, while the poorest travellers can be found in the airport bar before take off to try and numb the pain of twelve hours sitting in a seat designed to fit one of Snow White's little friends. But F1 people are nothing if not ingenious and, over the years, have come up with a whole host of ways to make the free move from the squalor of "Favella Class" up to Business or even beyond. Here are some F1 tips for the next time you travel, to ensure you get upgraded, or even better get an entire row of economy seats to yourself.

1) Do not shave for about 48 hours before boarding.

2) Cover the armpits of your suit with water to look as though you are sweating profusely.

3) Hide a small piece of Gorgonzola cheese in your top pocket.

4) Stare at the person in the next seat, while twitching nervously. Smiling broadly always frightens fellow passengers.

5) Tip out of the contents of your bag onto your table. They should include: a novel about serial killers, a copy of "Guns and Ammo" magazine, a vast quantity of tranquillisers.

6) Pull out a cigarette and light it up, even if the flight is non-smoking. By now, your neighbour has probably moved to another seat in absolute terror, so a bit more work is required to remove the one remaining traveller in your row, before you can lie down and go to sleep.

7) Pull out a huge Swiss Army knife and start picking your teeth with the biggest blade.

8)If you have some duty-free alcohol start drinking it straight from the bottle.

9) Turn your personal stereo on just loud enough for the other passengers to hear that irritating tsk-tsk-tsk noise. Tap your feet and hum tunelessly.

10) If you still haven't got all three seats to yourself, it is time for the piece de resistance. After dinner, pretend to vomit profusely into the sick bag provided. Twenty minutes later ask the stewardess for a spoon, open the sick bag in a noisy fashion and start to eat the contents. The one remaining passenger in your row will run screaming for the toilet, unaware your sick bag contains some Russian salad you bought in the airport delicatessen before take off!

Getting upgraded can be easy if you turn on the charm. Tell the Stewardess you are a close personal friend of Mika Hakkinen and David Coulthard and you will get them into the paddock at the race. This works well, as long as Messrs. Hakkinen and Coulthard are not on the same flight and blank you completely as you meet them in the galley. Of course it is very rare that you will ever see any one from First Class venture to the back of the plane, although the great Ayrton Senna would sometimes saunter back to see how all the poor people were getting on. This would cause much laughter as the Brazilian driver was prone to travel in bright yellow "flight pyjamas." The First Class section on a flight to a grand prix is very much a closed shop for the top people in the sport and if anyone else does manage to sneak in, you can hear the hush of disapproval, just like the first time a woman first walked into an exclusive London gentleman's club.

With so many flights per year, inevitably people try and find ways to entertain their fellow travellers. A regular favourite is putting a silhouette of a handgun, made out of metal in your colleague's hand luggage and see how quickly security forces pin him to the ground. Just because a flight is over, that doesn't mean you should stop enjoying an airline's hospitality. Most teams have a strict rule that personnel are not allowed to run up a bill for use of the mini-bar in the hotel room. The odd T-shirt, team hat and stickers can work wonders on air crew, who will often leave you with a nice "thank you bag" full of drinks miniatures, thus saving a fortune on expenses. Not so long ago, the entire plane would turn into one big party on the way back from a grand prix, but in these politically correct times, any exuberant behaviour is classed as "Air Rage" and one is likely to be arrested on landing, just like the English couple who got into trouble earlier this month for joining the "Mile High Club" after they had mid-flight sexual relations. This is a sad testament to the poor quality of films being shown on long-haul flights these days. Of course, as Formula 1 people have to do everything better and faster than anyone else, the Mile High Club is sniffed at. Far more impressive was the "Ground Zero Club" which involved charming and seducing an Air Hostess before take off. Have a safe journey and watch you don't die abroad. One poor chap who breathed his last at a grand prix was repatriated not in a coffin, but with the team's freight. Some enterprising amateur undertaker got hold of the Customs documents which listed every item of team equipment. Finding the word "bodywork" he simply crossed out the "work" leaving the corpse to travel back as a "body!"

Editors Note: For hundreds of hot racing photos and racing art, be sure to visit The Racing ImageGalleries and the Visions of Speed Art Gallery.