What Cars Say about Their Owners

02/27/97

Following is a list of what cars say about the owners....

Acura Integra             - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports
                             cars
Acura Legend              - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX                 - I am impotent
Audi 90                   - I enjoy putting out engine fires
BMW M3                    - I am practical with a huge debt
BMW Z3                    - I live in California and want
                             Baywatch babes to notice me
Buick Park Avenue         - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado         - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville          - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro          - I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette        - I like seeing people's reactions when I
                             tell them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette        - I'm in a mid-life crisis . . . ha
Chevrolet El Camino       - I am leading a militia to overthrow the
                             government
Chrysler Cordoba          - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z               - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart                - I teach third grade special education and
                             I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona             - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ford Explorer             - I am a professional with a Grizzly Adams complex
Ford Fairmont             - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang              - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria       - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change
                             lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm                 - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker               - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol             - I have always said, half a convertible is better
                             than no convertible at all
Honda Civic               - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord              - I lack any originality and am basically a
                             lemming.
Infiniti Q45              - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits
                             pending.
Isuzu Impulse             - I don't give a damn about J.D. Powers or his
                             report.
Jaguar XJ6                - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in
                             the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia                - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu
                             Corp.
Lincoln Town Car          - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis     - (See Ford Crown Victoria above)
Mercedes 500SL            - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL           - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named
			     Cole
Mazda 626                 - I only drive to get somewhere
Mazda Miata               - I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler
MGB                       - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante       - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX              - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass        - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a
                             fortune off the parts
Oldsmobile Omega          - I am the ultimate road warrior
Peugeot 505 Diesel        - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon             - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM          - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo         - I have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944               - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would
                             be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2                - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy             - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more
                             inferior than Isuzu
Toyota Camry              - I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle         - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet      - I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus       - I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon           - I am frightened of my wife