Road Trip: Exploring America's Largest Shitties
A nation of public defecation
By Marc J. Rauch
Exec. Vice President/Co-Publisher
THE AUTO CHANNEL
Over the years, The Auto Channel has presented stories, pictures, and videos of some of the world's most scenic drives. Now we'd like to present a travelogue of a different type...one that highlights contemporary American urban life.
Welcome To San Francisco Shitty
Frisco by the bay... you can leave more than your heart here, you can leave your stool anywhere you want. To paraphrase the old saying, "When in San Fran, doodie the way the San Franciscans doodie."
And you'll love shopping in SF Shitty; in fact it'll make you so excited you'll just poop right in the aisles.
A new version of the classic TV series "The Street Of San Francisco" is being planned by NBC for next year with a vastly different story line. It's be more of a game show. NBC, by the way stands for 'nothing but crap.' SF's political leaders are so proud they have published a map of the shittiest spots in town.
Many people thought of SF as America's most beautiful big city, now they think of it as America's not-so-beautiful big shitty. Enjoy the sites in the photos below. It brings Frisco so alive you can practically smell it:
New York, New York - So Full Of It They Named It Twice
If you're looking for 24-hour action (once the quarantine is over) you'll definitely want to be in America's biggest Shitty. Formerly known as "The Big Apple," it's now "The Big Craple."
Eastside, Westside, all around the town, the sidewalks of New York are layered with...no not gold dust...fecal dust. People around the world hoping to emigrate to America were once told that in America all you had to do was reach down and pick up a gold nugget. That was a bit of embellishment, of course, but today it is correct to say that all you have to do is reach down and scoop up some anal nuggets.
Take a double decker tour bus and make the corner of Turdy-turd and Turd streets your first stop. Once a melting pot of culture, today it's a toilet bowl of bacteria cultures. Manhattan's famous Greenwich Village, Little Italy, Wall Street and Chinatown (I hope I didn't offend any Asians by calling it Chinatown) are all dungtown. Virtually any subway line will take you there. New York's subway system was considered the 'bowels of the urban environment." Take a ride on any line and you'll know why.
Previous mayoral efforts included cleaning up 42nd Street and Times Square to the point where the Walt Disney Company felt comfortable enough to convert a previous porno movie theater into a live-performance theater suitable for family entertainment. New York's current mayor is intent on turning the "great white way" of Broadway into the "gruesome brown bog."
Los Angeles, The Shitty of Angels
Although many have been tempted to drop the nick name "Tinsel Town" in favor of "Tawdry Town," it is now more true than ever that "El Pueblo" (as the Mexicans used to call LA) is just a cheap, superficial town; therefore "tinsel" in all its most degrading definition is still the most correct.
But you'll be please to know that LA is no longer "LaLa Land," it is now "Do Do Land."
Literary wit Dorothy Parker once wrote that "Los Angeles is 72 suburbs in search of a city." Actually, it's more like 72 suburbs in search of a giant septic tank. As if a presage of things to come, the founders of Los Angeles transformed the LA River into a cement sewer line with the Pacific Ocean as the septic tank.
Chicago... Shitcago, Shittown...The Intestinal Windy Shitty
"The city of big shoulders" is the shitty of big turds. They even memorialize the day when the Dave Matthews Band took a dump on Chicago.
Interestingly, Chicago's history is saturated in human crap. Chicago Magazine published a story in 2013 in which they said, "We think of the Chicago Fire as the element that shaped the city. But...it’s probably shit. The city took form around it, and its most extraordinary engineering feats—still going, still not entirely working—were built to deal with it. The city was literally shaped by excrement."
Later in the same article, the writer states, "Chicago was using Lake Michigan as a giant toilet tank, flushing 8,500 cubic feet per second from the great lake down towards the Gulf."
With a history like this, is there any wonder why Chicago elects the most foul politicians?
Minneapolis - St. Paul, The Twin Shitties
At the time of this compilation, I learned that St. Paul is suing for divorce so that they are no longer married to Minneapolis. I also learned that St. Paul is negotiating with Donald Trump's wall builders to prevent the denizens from Minneapolis (who destroyed the town during the recent riots) from moving to St. Paul now that they need a place to live.
I understand that with the odor of the burnt remnants of the structures in Minneapolis, combined with the reeking stench of the excrement on the streets that it creates an overpoweringly putrid bouquet of smells - perfect for the hot summer months.
Seattle, The Enema Shitty
Seattle was once nicknamed "The Emerald City," for no reason that anyone can remember. In any event, it will now be forever known as "The Enema Shitty." And it's a much more fitting nickname for Seattle because of the terrible coffee that comes from that region. Starbuck's, Pete's, Seattle's Best are all overly burnt-roasted coffees that give you that morning "high-colonic" experience that stinks up the multi-toilet restrooms in the office building where you work (when you used to go to work before the quarantine).
And in the same way that the founders of Los Angeles foresaw the need for a giant cement sewerage line through downtown, the founders of Seattle commissioned the building of a giant plunger to help move all the scat along. It's a good thing that it rains a lot in The Enema Shitty of Seattle, but what it really needs is to be nuked with a king-sized can of Draino.
One Seattle street shitizen, dubbed "Jane Doe" by RealChangeNews.com said, "It is still safer for me to use Seattle streets as a toilet. I won’t get anyone else’s germs." Seattle Councilmember Larry Gossett says that hosing human excrement off the streets is racially insensitive.
COMING SOON: Scatlanta - Atlanta Today
This exploration of America's Biggest Shitties is made possible by the looney left. If you're are offended or embarrassed by this editorial and you want to do something about it please call your congressman/woman, senator, state legislator, and governor today; they are ultimately responsible for it.