Survival Tips for Working In-Laws
By Loyd Rawls
Prior to offering any comments, I heartily acknowledge that active in-laws categorically should be provided "hazardous duty pay." Being an in-law in a family business is a tough job that is only appropriate for tough people. When an in-law shows up for the first day of employment, the nomination for a Purple Heart should be submitted; the only question is how many oak leaf clusters will ultimately be attached. This is not an experience for the thin-skinned, timid, impulsive or uncommitted. If you are hypersensitive, you are going to feel like your skin is being peeled. If you are unwilling to take the initiative and become unmercifully vulnerable, you are going to be ridiculed as an incompetent leech. If you speak or act without thinking, you are going to be categorized as a buffoon.
Active in-laws are traditionally subject to becoming the meat in the "in-law sandwich," somewhere between the stereotyped expectations of the spouse's family and the ever-changing expectations of the spouse for the in-law to effectively represent his/her position in the family business. Needless to say, as the meat of the "in-law sandwich," one can be smothered in frustration and anxiety as he/she is subject to the grind of both the spouse at home and their family at work. The spouse's parents, brothers and/or sisters typically do not give an in-law credit for brains or initiative, and the family member expects the spouse to act just like one of the family. Before submitting to the recruitment of your father-in-law or the financial pressure of your spouse to take a job in the family business, count the cost.
The success of an in-law will, in large part, be dependent upon the right motives and commitment. Motives reflect why you chose to work for your spouse's parents and/or siblings. Categorically, it should come as no surprise that the success of a family business in-law is dependent upon being motivated to make a mark in the business irrespective of whether your spouse's family has ownership.
Successful in-laws see the opportunity to pursue a career working with their spouse's family as just one of several options. Having several options at their disposal, they conclude that overall, the family business is their best option, but by no means their only option. The key to an in-law's success is to truly believe that this job represents the best opportunity of several options; and if it does not work out, for any one of a variety of reasons, they will move on to the next best option. From another perspective, the successful in-law does not need a job in their spouse's business to fulfill his or her personal needs or self-interests. If an in-law is capable of making an unreserved commitment to the mission of the business and the existing leadership, he/she will have the highest probability of success. And it is admittedly difficult to work for someone whose only claim to a job or position is the good fortune of the "procreation lottery." From the reciprocal perspective, if the in-law's job is an attempt to protect his/her spouse's perceived share of the "golden goose," the odds for success are poor.
Bringing it down to a personal level, if your job with your spouse's parents is merely their way of paying your spouse a fair share of the family business booty, you will be caught on the rotisserie and eventually your spouse's siblings are going to turn up the heat. If you do not have any heart for the business and are only seeking the easiest way through life, what may currently appear to be heaven will ultimately turn into hell. If you have defined your personal career success only in terms of protecting your spouse's spot on "easy street," hang on tight because your life will likely be as exciting as being the conductor on a roller coaster.
An in-law's success in a family business is dependent upon two factors: the emotional makeup divinely bestowed and the chosen attitudes that are reflected in motives and commitment. The strongest advice I can offer is "to thine own self be true." No one can effectively evaluate your internal makeup as effectively as you can. I have seen in-laws in one of two extreme categories: pathetically miserable or ridiculously happy. The determinant as to which category they occupied was whether or not they followed their instincts regarding the compatibility of their emotions, motives and commitment to their spouse's family business environment.
Under the presumption that you are already employed in your spouse's family business, I offer these thoughts for your consideration. If you are happy, congratulations! You are very fortunate to have found gratification in such a vulnerable position. You are also a special person to be able to confidently deal with your in-laws and do a good job. No doubt you have had your challenges, but your willingness to be personally responsible for your actions and to communicate openly with your in-laws have been the keys to your success. You are filling an important, special role in the business. Your commitment is gratifying and, hopefully, productive.
Long-term success as an in-law in a family business will be enhanced if you limit your expectations to that of any other non-family employee. The instant that you begin to expect favoritism in position or compensation based upon your in-law status, you begin to decline. There is no middle ground on the perception of your integrity. You are going to be viewed as either a hardworking team asset with character and integrity or as a gold-digging, self-centered, compromising opportunist. If you expect nothing more than the opportunities afforded every aggressive and capable employee and you apply all of your conviction and resources to being successful, you will be considered a member of the positive category. Make no mistake; you are being watched very carefully, and you are not receiving the benefit of the doubt from those around you. Everyone is expecting you to be a gold-digging opportunist, and the burden of proof falls solely upon your shoulders. If you are viewed as a gold-digging opportunist, you are going to experience a wide range of emotional ups and downs with little to no long-term gratification.
Just for the sake of academic theory, let's assume you are a gold-digging opportunist, you are very comfortable in your environment and have no problem being considered the frog that married the princess. You are not hung up on proving your worth. Furthermore, you are most interested in achieving the good life with the least amount of effort. If you can play this game, good for you. However, it should be no surprise that this attitude is not good for the business. My advice is stay out of the way of anyone who is trying to grow the business, and do not have unrealistic expectations about achieving the respect of coworkers and family members. I assure you that your feelings and motives are no secret. Everyone hears loudly and clearly what you are not saying. Over the infallible test of time, the true nature of your motives will surface. Do yourself, the business and your in-laws a favor by not pursuing job positions that require more effort and commitment than you are willing to make. If, for the sake of your ego you get in over your head, admit your shortcomings and get help before you create frustration and grief for everyone beyond your wildest dreams.
In-laws who genuinely want to make a contribution to a family business should push for their supervisor to define the expectations of their performance. In order to be successful, you must clearly understand the desired end result target that defines success. Regardless of whether you are working for a father-in-law, brother-in-law or non-family member, you should step through the traditional informality surrounding family members and press to be treated as any other employee. Clearly expressed performance expectations allow you to have security in your achievement. As a result of your in-law status, many around you will be insecure and envious. These personalities are very common in family businesses and are renowned for moving the bar of expectations to frustrate an in-law's efforts to be successful and gain respect. They would also love to use you as the excuse for their shortcomings. To protect your vulnerable position as an in-law, seek as much written definition as possible regarding what is expected of you.
As an active in-law, you should realize that, with few exceptions, you will never be considered as an equal alongside your spouse and his/her siblings. Regardless of the level of your success, you may never own an interest in the business. The ultimate challenge is that the business ownership you earn may be given to your spouse. Furthermore, in the event your spouse predeceases you, the assets that your deceased spouse would have received from your in-laws will go not to you, but to your children. You may someday be managing assets for your children that your spouse would have received. A fact of life is that your father and mother-in-law are concerned that, if you obtain direct control over family assets, you may direct those assets outside of the family through a subsequent marriage. Do not take this natural reaction personally. You would probably feel the same way. Regardless of your dedication and sincerity, you will probably never overcome the reality that "blood is thicker than water."
As an actively employed in-law, restrain yourself during business discussions. Avoid discussions that may be interpreted as critical of any family member. Unlike the family members around you, your rights do not include the ability to indirectly criticize family members. You can criticize family members directly to their face, but you cannot freely join in the national family pastime of complaining about other family members. Those around you will not hear any truth in your statements anyway. They will only hear envy and/or resentment. Take comfort in the fact that the truth about your in-laws is self-evident and does not require your support or amplification.
Also, be very careful about the nature of your business pillow talk with your spouse. As a member of the business family, he/she has perceptions of you, parents, siblings and key personnel that are tainted by emotional relationships and historical experiences that you cannot duplicate. A little casual criticism or self-pity can inflame your spouse's preconceived opinions and initiate otherwise avoidable friction within the family. As an in-law involved in the day-to-day operations of the business, there are significant elements of business with which your spouse does not need to become involved. Wherever possible, leave the business at the office so that when your day is done you can go home to a peaceful household that is not infected with controversy and resentment.
Loyd H. Rawls, CLU, ChFC, MSFS, of The Rawls Company in Orlando, Fla., has specialized in family estate and succession planning for closely held family-owned businesses since 1973. lrawls@dealeronline.com
