The importance of choice to inter-family relationships is based on the theory that, as individuals, we are for the most part responsible for our feelings and attitudes. Our attitudes are not the total result of circumstances or how others make us feel. Our attitudes are the result of how we choose to react to circumstances or the input of others. Theoretically, in every interpersonal relationship, we are the captains of our own ships; and after our initial instinctive reactions have cleared, we choose our emotional position relative to the person and circumstances at hand. I use the term theoretically because, as emotional humans, we have only a limited ability to deal objectively with our own feelings; however, this limited ability to choose our reaction has a major impact upon the quality of a relationship. Because of our humanity, choice can rarely totally dominate a relationship; however, choice is an active ingredient to any relationship. To varying degrees, depending on circumstances, one can choose a positive attitude towards others and a reaction to circumstances. And this attitude or reaction will have a major impact on the quality of affairs between family members. Victor Frankel, a psychiatrist who as a young man endured the humiliation and torture of a World War II German concentration camp, wrote of his experiences relating to choice and rationalization. Dr. Frankel described his experience of being the victim of all sorts of dehumanizing abuse. He stated that his oppressors could take away every aspect of his humanity except his ability to choose his reaction or attitude. He noted that, as long as he exercised his ability to choose how he reacted to circumstances, he actually had power over his oppressors. With the addition of choice to the dynamics of your relationship, you lessen the ³fait accompli² impact of history upon where the relationship will go. You can, to a degree, be in control and be the captain of your own ship, harvesting the best available fruit from otherwise less than desirable relationships. It bears mentioning here that the ability to make a choice as to how you will interact with an individual depends upon positive rationalization of historical circumstances. Positive rationalization means that, irrespective of the negative historical facts and circumstances in a relationship, you choose for your own betterment and that of the business to establish and hopefully maintain a positive attitude regarding future relationship interaction. You choose to control the future and disarm the dominating power of history. Rationalization of historical circumstances involves conclusions, such as: My dad treated me like an idiot but he meant well and was only trying to get me to live my life through what he thought were the best values. My son did not show me the proper respect and even embarrassed me; however, it was a phase of growing up that he was going through. My older sister has always been critical of me and has made sure my parents were aware of everything I ever did wrong; however, I understand that, as a firstborn, she has a problem with control and perfectionism. After Dad died, Mom did not trust me with any decisions; however, I realize that, being alone, she was really scared and insecure. I really was hurt when Dad left Mom; however, I understand it was not me who caused him to leave and that he and Mom must make their own choices, which are apparently beyond my understanding. In the family business realm, the power of choice, which allows positive rationalization of historical circumstances for the betterment of future relations, means that contentions such as the following are no longer valid: My sisterıs petty selfishness has ruined my attitude toward this business. My son frustrates me to the point that either he has to go or I do. My parents cannot make a decision, and they are driving me mad. The reality of these situations reflects a perceived lack of personal accountability for feelings we have about others. Sister may be petty and selfish, but you, not she, made the conclusion that there is no hope for you and her to work together in the business. Your son may lack people skills, but it is your frustration that creates the ultimatum that one of you must go. Your parents may be unable to make a decision, but it is your choice to take personally the bizarre behavior of your parents. Unfortunately, the ability to positively rationalize historical circumstances depends both upon the history and the individuals. The history of negative interaction may be so grievous that you cannot make any positive rationalization that will overpower the negative circumstances. Also, the sensitivity of an individual may not allow him or her to diminish the pain or frustration of circumstances. These situations complicate, but donıt necessarily prevent, the process of positively rationalizing historical circumstances for the betterment of a relationship. Individuals who are forced to deal with the compelling problem of traumatic historical circumstances may need third party help. They need a trusted, uninvolved friend or a professional counselor to help them untangle the complications and recognize the personal benefit of not allowing the past to dominate future personal and business relationships. So, how you do exercise your option, your choice to have a positive relationship? The answer is not the same way you tolerate a dog in the house or hang tough with an overbearing parent bragging about their seven-year old soccer phenom. These are survival decisions and only provide a defensive shield of apathy that makes you temporarily resilient to behavior that would otherwise drive you berserk. Choosing to have a positive relationship that can impact the succession process must go further. For some, this may be concluding that, ³I am in the family relationship for better or for worse and I am not going to accept the worse. I am reaching out and proactively grabbing the better.² On the other hand, choosing to have a positive relationship may be so complicated by historical relationship pollution and current circumstances that you must have help from a third party. Regardless of the nature of the circumstances, enhancing intra-family relationships through choice requires dedicated commitment to achieve the positive by enduring the negative. You have the option to elect to address positively any negative circumstance. This election has its price. When a natural reflex is to tell your parent, brother-in-law, sibling, etc., to go to hell or some other hot place, to address them positively has its price in humility, forgiveness, emotion and conviction. In order to make this extraordinary move, there must be motivation. The first step in making a positive relationship choice is to identify the motive, the incentives and the benefits. The motivating, self-centered payoff for your choice could come in many forms, such as: If I get along with my brother, Mom and Dad will be happy. If I can work with my son-in-law, my daughter and I can have a good relationship. If I can work effectively with my supervisor, Dad will move me up the training ladder and I can ultimately run the company. If I can interact effectively with our management teams, we can be more successful and I can make more money. The second step is to reconcile that the motivating payoff is worth the price. As mentioned above, exercising your choice to have a positive relationship is more than tolerating obnoxious behavior for a reason. Exercising your choice means: Being humble enough to realize that you may be the obnoxious, arrogant, insensitive, know-it-all. Being brave enough to vulnerably extend the hand of fellowship knowing that you will be bitten. Being wise enough to know that the most critical relationship skill is listening. Being sensitive enough to know that what others seek from you is that you care. Being strong enough to look to the future and stop reliving the past. Being tenacious enough to make a commitment to positive development of the relationship. Having weighted the balance and determined that the fruit of the relationship is worth the price of the choice, you can pull the trigger, begin controlling the negative and accomplish your business succession goals. As a word of encouragement, what have you without relationships? These are all spokes in the wheel of life that support us, reinforce us and give us the identity of our being. And no relationship is so insignificant that we can allow that which could bless to be a curse.